Scared of Romance

I’ve been on an impromptu research quest the past week trying to break down successes or failures of romantic relationships. I discovered a lot of dynamic and not exactly relative to any age groups. Some things work together and some don’t. But when it comes to my story, I’m just not sure if being sucked into the idea of a love story blinded me, or if me throwing away my self worth let me tolerate things I didn’t have to.

I found a lot of couples bonding over certain things, fighting, loving and attaching. Others couldn’t handle other things, just drifted apart without sound. It got me thinking about how a conclusion should be extracted, or whether there should be one at all.

I know this is a lot of thought but I’m just throwing down things probably not in order. I got married six months ago. I’m also getting divorced. I am thinking a lot.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend, whom I didn’t know was going to be so incredibly understanding of my divorce, and she was discussing her last relationship with me. She told me it’s okay to discover someone who was so good to not be so good. He had cheated on her then confronted her about it. It was strange for me to swirl around that concept. But they trusted and loved each other with their lives! Then this awfulness, this unfaithfulness, this hurt — when I told her my relationship was toxic I expected her to talk about my “choice” of spouse but she just nodded her head, “yeah, I get it.”

I have to be honest that freaked me out. Not that bad people exist or that we experienced bad relationships but that it can spring up on you like that.

I’d like to think I was raised in a community of bubbled sheltered Fantasia, where everything and everyone was good all the time. It sucks I didn’t get to conceptualize badness at a young age because as a young adult now, “bad” hits me like a storm.

I keep thinking to myself — I don’t really want to be in a romantic relationship again. And I realize it’s probably in consequence of the shock and will lessen in intensity with time but the thought feels so uncertain now. Like, how do you “know” anymore if this guy will be good? Just plain “good”. When my husband was my fiancé he was fantastic. Humble, kind, active and even charming — then really strange portions of him manifested into what my child inside sees as a scary little monster under the bed. How do you get over something like that?

And don’t get me wrong, I’m a dreamy girl, with romance floating around in my head since I was 8 — it’s the first time I’ve ever felt alright with never being in a romantic relationship again. And I’m not sentencing myself, only simply expressing some feelings post a break up in process. I don’t know if people usually have it together but too many things feel confusing at this point.

I suppose that makes me scared of relationships — afraid to ever allow someone to be with me again like that.

What’s after that?