There isn’t a particular reason I’ve decided to gobble together seemingly varied topics into one post — but I’ve been making a lot of reflections recently. Perhaps, and as a start to the post, I may find it appropriate to mention my possible discombobulation with words. I’m usually more organized than this. Anyways…
In the past it’s seemed that sharing a lot of my thoughts was a bad thing — perhaps burdensome or simply uninteresting. I, of course, never believed so, but I usually relegated to sharing my own thoughts with my journal, shutting that page, then maybe revisiting it for more reflections. But let me tell you, there is such a fantastic comfort, validation and empowering form of support that comes from sharing how you feel with those whom you know love you and appreciate you. I recently learned that it was okay to believe there were those out there who truly loved me. Truly cared for me and for my well-being. I also learned it was okay that there also existed those who only pretended to love me, or never knew how to love. It wasn’t as crushing a reality as the fear of it all seemed — that if the closest ones to you were one day the same people who didn’t want you, that I’d be wrecked for a long time. I wasn’t — I’m not. But man, was it a fantastical experience that brought not only elements of retrospect (duh) but also of immense appreciation for any who allowed me a space of trustworthy comfort…
“Hey, you can tell me anything” they said. And they were being honest.
“You can ask me anything” and they would candidly respond.
“You are my family” and we weren’t blood, not even close. Not tied by anything formal or official. Just the love and appreciation of who we were as people — good people, wanting good things, I suppose. Just the respect that you can be titled a pretty damn valuable person, and we — our circle of friends — are here to remind you and each other of that.
It’s a different dynamic, because we are not together twenty-four seven. In some respects, we needn’t know all faults of one another, or ever see them, and I think that’s the point. To love someone doesn’t have to mean to appreciate and adore their entire existence — I don’t think I have the energy to do that with even myself at all times — perhaps it just means that we will remain helping hands to one another, as we continue with our lives, up until we are not here anymore, up until we cease.
As I enter my third trimester of pregnancy, I’m experiencing levels of physical and mental breadths I didn’t prepare my mind for. The days I thought I felt death right above me, and the ones where I swear I could feel His presence embracing me. But as I make decisions to be patient, and as I discuss with my good good community, I am recognizing new appreciations about my mind, my body and my life. As we rest inside a lovely holy month I wish to brood amongst the winds of Allah’s words, detach and come back —
Detach and come back…
It’s been a rollercoaster of emotional regulation that I can quite safely appreciate and enjoy as I remember tiny tiny events. Sometimes bad memories resurface too — memories of when I was with him and how awful he was, but I am gently trying to push them aside; I suppose yanking them would have them bouncing back into my face. Day by day I don’t suppose I’ll remember but the safe and soothed. Day by day, I am assured of Allah’s watching eye — I know I shall be redressed, and all pain will wilt away as the seasons of the year gently brush by the dead winter leaves to make room for the spring roses.
It seems I’ve merged all topics quite fluidly, more fluidly than I had imagined. Yes, that’s a great lesson — :
Things are not always as they seem — and thank goodness for that.