This Whole Time

And it feels ongoing

To desire then wait

Then desire again, some more patience

You get it and sometimes you don’t, and the ticking of time moves as slowly as you continue to want

It was ongoing — seemingly relentless

That days hung on my shoulders and I forgot what I wanted

I was only moving forward

Get it done get it out of the way

Let time pass until that something you await

I would promise myself the second I took hold of desire X

I was to be golden

Untouched and satisfied

But the next desire advanced into the forefront

Demanding a presence or improvement

Like perhaps you could need an alteration

Or perhaps this was not your initial real desire

And so it feels tautological

And so it feels quite ongoing

To desire then wait — and hold nothing, not even time, to your own advantage

It is a cruel patience

One where you know not what you are waiting for — one where you only want “other”

Though not specified nor called for

Okay okay that is all well and said but —

But then there was her

Her

My baby

My beautiful precious little baby

And it is like the clocks stopped their ticking

And the earth slowed its orbiting

And it was just me and her

All too new but too familiar

Molding in and out of each other in an inexplicable attachment only felt not described

She was a piece of me

She was the piece I had been waiting for

She was a desire that needed “wait”

But in the incredulous moments of her arrival — in the surreal swirls of her turning a blush pink and breathing our oxygen

My world flashed

It was her — her — what I had been waiting for

Not for nine months… I think for twenty four years

You know when it is a calling?

I do not know, perhaps I still do not but it is like a calling

And it was her this whole time

I had been waiting

I have been waiting for you my whole life, baby

I have been waiting this whole time

اللهم احفظنا لبعض وارجعنا اليك وانت راضٍ عنا