Did you forget too?


I’ve asked myself these past few weeks

Whether hopes and dreams meant happy or happier

I still haven’t responded to myself

Mostly because my mind couldn’t be more crammed than a jammed copier

I think it’s fortuitous and perhaps it’s eventually grand

To be so busy you can’t ask yourself

Whether you’re cut out to build your own brand

But do we only work and grapple until we forget?

That at some point there was a hope that began a bet

That one day I’ll be this and I’ll be that

Let’s get to work then

Let me catch up on the righteousness track

Because to dream I guess is to be noble

To live beyond your existence

To hope your impact becomes global

But here I sit and type out fatigued little phrases

From a mind that wanted to remember why it began all these phases

Is it worth it now? Are your dreams equating “happy”?

Because I don’t even know

I’m so tired I forgot

I don’t even know

Good night then self, I’ll dream and hope you’ll remember tomorrow

Conversations, Growth, Adulthood PT.2

Journal, Writing

Disclaimer: this post contains some profane language.

“The other day, something happened. My brother was calling someone who was talking about me, and that person said some things that weren’t true. Usually the way I would cope with hearing things that weren’t true about me is just cry and want to explain it to somebody almost as if I was defending myself and then having someone else validating that and then feeling better about it. And it’s fucking exhausting to do that, by the way. Just this need to feel validated constantly by someone else. Needing to hear from someone I trust ‘hey, you’re not wrong, everything’s going to be okay’. So that moment happened that other day and I was just like I can’t sit and explain to my brother and just defend myself in the way that I usually do. That’s not going to do anything anymore, there’s always going to be a certain concept about me that’s going to be engraved in people. They’re always going to believe something about who I am. It sucks but me needing to be validated by other people was just starting to make me sick like me needing to hear certain words about myself just so I could stop crying was starting to get way too exhausting. It makes me start to doubt my trust in the people that are just giving me what I want to hear and I don’t like that feeling. I don’t like feeling like I can’t trust anyone or I can’t rely on anyone, because that doesn’t really leave me another option. So you know what I did? My brother asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said, no. WOW I had never done that! I’ve always want to talk about my problems. And thats how I would get it off my chest to allegedly relieve myself. And usually that’s what would happen, I would let off the thing that’s bothering me and I move on with my life. But in that moment I realized something, that there was an engraved concept of who I was to whoever was saying those things about me. And I wanted to stop feeling like I needed to explain myself. I went to the balcony and I sat in the darkness and quite solitude of the night and spoke to myself; Fatimah you know what you’re always going to seem like you’re a useless piece of shit to person A or B. You can keep explaining yourself but if they don’t want to see how useful you are they wont. And you know what? You are useful, and it’s true remember this time and this time? And I recounted real events where I felt incredibly the opposite of whatever adjectives that were hurting me. You are valuable and you have so much worth. And I was trying to be conscious of not bringing back all good actions to just the goodness of me because that felt arrogant, stupid and pretty naive. I remember just talking to Allah, that He helped me reach these certain things that I wouldn’t have reached without Him. And that really just elevated from the shitty feeling of being called useless or worthless. And you know no one has to call you worthless for you to feel worthless, they just have to treat you that way. But what I was telling myself was so much deeper than just giving myself a pep talk. It was a ‘how can I make myself feel better?’ How can I empower myself again, without needing to explain myself to someone and have them tell me I’m good. My validation should also be valid. Over the years, my need for validation seemed to just kind of cancel out the worth of my own opinion. Sure, I’m young but I do have perspective, I have experienced shit and that shit has given me perspective and my perspective is allowed to be valuable or worth taking in. So that was really dangerous when I realized I actually haven’t allowed myself to have opinions about way too many things. And it didn’t really directly affect my everyday life, it didn’t seem dangerous that I didn’t care what color that pillow was or whatever, but it just didn’t feel correct anymore. I really needed to recognize that I had the ability to give myself my own advice because if I had a friend who was going through any of this I really think I’d be good at helping them, so why couldn’t I pull myself out of this? Someone said something bad about me and I KNOW it’s not true. I mean, I KNOW it. Why shouldn’t my opinion about that feel enough to me? It should! Yes, you are actually fine. You are valuable, you are capable of understanding these concepts, you did behave correctly here and here. And let’s say one day my opinion on the way I behaved here was wrong, well, then that’s the perfect time to ask for perspective. And I’m not saying alright let’s destroy our lives then ask for perspective, but I mean — asking for perspective, I learned, is really different from asking for validation. I think the way I would put my conscious to sleep with needing validation is I would call it me needing perspective because I’m young and I wanna make sure I’m behaving correctly but at the end of the day, it was at such a big of a cost that I was selling everything else about my own worth and value. And if I do screw up it’s not the end of the world! I think I’ll surprise myself at how much I won’t screw up. I think I’ll ask for guidance from Allah and He will help me do the right thing. And that really helped me hone in that concept a little more. Along with the idea that all that doesn’t neglect the value of people’s advice, it just means their advice finally becomes ADVICE. I can take it or leave it and I think that’s really part of me transitioning into being an adult. I think it’s a pretty thin line between just being a cocky idiot and having this ignorance or inferiority complex that, oh, she was prevented from making any choices as a kid so now she’s gone wild AND between actual wisdom, and independence. Independence that recognizes it can still struggle and that it will always need perspective and advice will be valuable to it, but it’s an independence that also understands that it’s capable of doing things by itself! It doesn’t always have to be wrong! It’s valuable and its autonomy is real. These ideas really helped me.

A really unique example of that as I started applying some of these concepts is when I started buying some stuff the other day. I’m seeing all these prices and all these designs and I felt flustered I don’t know what to get and blah blah. I remember phoning a friend and asking her hey what do you think of this certain product and she just asked me if I liked it. I told her I didn’t feel comfortable with the material. And I was just about to explain myself and say why I don’t like it or whatever and she was just like you know what, don’t buy anything you don’t want to. If it’s not comfortable for you don’t get it. And I don’t know, that was so enlightening to me. That I was allowed to feel like this wasn’t right for me. Even if the material was fine, but it was just like, I’m allowed to not feel comfortable in something and that doesn’t have to feel wrong! It sounds so stupid! But I never absorbed that concept before that the only way I was going to stop feeling guilt every time I bought something was when I bought things I wanted to get! Like I would always feel like the price was too this, or the value or quality or wear wasn’t worth the price, or whatever. So I just stopped buying stuff. And I didn’t feel like I missed out on shopping because I never cared about shopping anyways, but what was missing was TRUSTING myself. That hey, I can make a good purchase for myself. And that’s what I really needed. That idea that I don’t need to have lived for fifty eight years to know the crooks and ups and downs of economical whatever and how to save all the money and whatever. Like life is so much easier! And if I ever do make a poor choice, well that’s when I’ll learn! And I think in my head I’m just scared that I won’t learn, that I’ll be a squanderer, which can happen if one’s left to their own devises so to speak, right! But I didn’t take into perspective my actual personality that doesn’t already feel okay with squandering or hoarding. I already understand when I don’t need something, and when I want something of certain value. But my personality just needed to feel comfortable.

So basically, I’m working on making myself feel a little more comfortable.”


Friend: I think it’s incredible how you’re learning how to trust yourself now more than ever, especially during a time when you’re fighting for your independence.

Conversations, Growth, Adulthood

Journal, Writing

disclaimer: this post contains some profane language.

Every now and then I’m lucky enough to find a safe space to express, reflect and just spout out way too many opinions. I always feel incredibly free then, and I think that’s when truly the most interesting of reflections spill out of me. I’ve recorded some of these cool conversations on here, mostly because I wish to come back to them and perhaps smile at the growth I’ve experienced.

Man, I love retrospect.


Me: Thanks for appreciating so many things about me. I was just reflecting actually about how I value feeling appreciated more than anything else literally like more than any material or words or act. Like if the feeling that something little or big from me is appreciated and I honestly feel it wow it’s such a good feeling. How many times did I just say feeling?

Friend: What is life without appreciation seriously! It would be so bleak and depressing and machine like.

Me: Yeah it’s tough to try and find another source for it or like something to cancel out that need when you don’t have it. But you know what? Recently I’ve been reflecting that with all that I’ve been experiencing I’m realizing a lot of any struggle or trouble has been a result of no appreciation and that I don’t want to have this self sufficiency just to cancel out this need I have but because I want to be my own source of serenity you know?
I don’t want someone else to make me feel good. I wanna feel good about who I am and I wanna love myself and believe I’m good enough even if literally no one around me can see that. Wow, saying something like this a few months ago would have been impossible for me for real. But I’m genuinely saying that. I want to not need anyone in the physical or emotional sense without being too extreme in the sense that like I push people away or I don’t appreciate when good people actually do exist But it’s just like a, I am happy because I am Fatimah living for Allah in the way that makes me happy with Him for Him. Also the idea that my life isn’t a pattern like that I’m gonna live my entire life not being appreciated by people that are close. Like NO Allah is so incredibly merciful and way greater than these fears of mine like man I just sometimes sit by myself and feel like goodness exists but it’s not for ME. Or that good relationships that aren’t toxic exist but not for me. Like shit I just keep thinking I’ve always been in stupid relationships where I sell myself stupidly and I date them back to shit with XXX do you remember how I would belittle myself or like sell myself cheap? Feeling that my relationships carry a pattern forever is a scary thought and I’m trying as hard as I can to believe it doesn’t have to be true and that I can actually have a safe place someday. Ugh I sound like a pity party I’m not tryna be I swear. And the thought of a hereafter really helps me kind of embrace that certainty that if I don’t necessarily see that change or break the toxic patterns now then I’ll have it all in heaven and that feels happy to me and safe. And then I think of how Allah has the power and mercy to give that to me here and in the hereafter. That He’s so much greater than to not help make me happier you know??? Ugh it’s like this whole process.

Friend: See I love this but I wonder if its a realistic goal. We’re ultimately one tiny thing in a web of social interactions. And we were teenagers then! I wonder if you have ever felt like the men youve dated or chosen as partners were a means to an end

Me: I think maybe yeah, and that I couldn’t see beyond it or see the relationship as just another part of who I’m gonna keep being rather than just a goal I reached

Friend: Like you wanted to get married, and you saw your ex husband as a means to the type of marriage you wanted. Your safe place should be you!

Me: Man that’s really hard for me because it’s never been something I was used to you know? Like I was literally raised with the concept that my safety was in my environment and not from me So there’s like this incessant need inside of me to want to create that place again to feel better. And it’s not like a I push people away or don’t appreciate when good people exist, it’s more of like a I don’t wanna wait for that to be the thing that makes me feel good because I can’t depend on it or control it. But at the same time it’s like I WANT that goodness and love and appreciation from a place but I’m starting to appreciate or realize the idea that having that safety or good feels coming from me can hold a place with me too. Like I can start working on that self compassion to help me feel like I can be okay just without chasing something I can’t control that much. I don’t think that mindset is gonna make me quit wanting relationships but some days I do get this feeling that I don’t want anyone or that I just wanna be alone. Never used to get those feelings with that passion before. Or at least not of lately did I have a feeling like that.

Friend: Yea totally. Conditioning is so hard to undo. What do you think are the steps for you to work on that self compassion

Me: Well honestly without breaking it down too much, I just needed to recognize that self compassion has the ability to suffice legit. Like sure I could understand it exists and I don’t think I’ve ever “hated” myself at all at any point but I never like absorbed the concept of being fulfilled by loving myself

Friend: I get it now. I think I never thought about how expansive of a task that is. Theres so much other work and growth you have to do on the way to that goal.

Me: Well I don’t wanna think of it as a goal really. Just a journey I’m on where I’m slowly trying to shift concepts as I go on with the rest of my life you know? It doesn’t have to be overwhelmingly complex it just needs to be recognized within me as something I need to practice more of. That Fatimah you can be ok with just Fatimah. Like just knowing that that can be true is huge for me ! Just realizing that it’s possible. So when I’m bombarded with another moment that hits me and says Fatimah this space doesn’t love you I can look within myself and think ok how can Fatimah help Fatimah right now. Don’t run don’t chase just how can Fatimah be okay right now? She’s brave, loyal, intelligent … I’ve started kind of doing that just straight up talking to myself during a situation and I can’t explain how much better I feel after it. Just to tell myself that I can possess the qualities I’m looking for and that it’s real I’m not making it up like YES I’m legit loyal and legit legit I’m patient and I think of times when I’m patient and tolerant and I’m legit kind. And I calm down. I think eventually I won’t have to like sit by myself for half an hour and talk to myself, I think eventually it’ll be a part of me to have confidence that I’ll be okay. So maybe I won’t have to be so fucking affected by everyone else’s opinions or actions towards me for once.

Mini-Garden Thoughts


It is part of my reflections that, we, as humans part of this society, only rarely ever feel autonomous.

Without needing to immerse into subjects too political, it has become apparent to me how little of my life I have chosen for myself. When I enter grocery shops or apothecaries or even boutiques, I am but obliged to ‘enjoy’ something displayed. Everyone buys here, why shouldn’t I?

It is no secret, the contrived needs of our environments, but what does spark question marks, leaves me flabbergasted, and oddly at awe, is our nonchalance about dealing with these desires made for us. What is defined today might not be true tomorrow, but for the time being we should take truth to today until tomorrow comes. Flowing with the go. Going with the flow. I feel like I’m throwing phrases out to start a band.

From what I have seemed to experience, I see this dichotomy of parties — they’re either all in or all out. You’re either flowing with your people or you’re driving away. I can’t seem to put my finger on a “correct” way of life here, but living a way that makes me happy sounds like a good start.

I teach at a private school, where most families have enough money to travel out of the country two three times a year. These kids have been exposed to diversities and identities. The world is their oyster, as they say! But it boggles me, how identity-less they all seem to be.

At the beginning of the year we were breaking ice with some of our students, asking them if they had a pet or cared for a plant — no one had a thing. And if they owned a dog, it was the housekeeper who took the animal out for walks and jogs. They were completely disconnected from personal identification and instead submerged into the waters of pop culture. Who’s got the latest ear pods? Did you see those amazing shoes? What’s going on with that last episode on Netflix?!

All the same conversations and all the same stores and all the same holiday destinations. Everyone’s at the beach for summer, winter, spring and fall. Everyone’s on instagram, everyone’s sharing everything on Facebook.

It’s a disaster. Not because they are engaged in these activities, but because it seems they cannot see any other ones. It is almost as though no other option exists except for doing these things.

If anyone finds out I don’t really connect on social media they make an alien out of me. They cannot believe my “defiance” to the virtual nature.

Now, I feel that from what I’ve expressed, that I am that defier from current reality — I’m really not. But I am baffled at how much and how often these matters flow unheeded.

Anyways, I do not write just to emit negativity — I am finding graded improvements that have slowly helped me autonomize on my own life goals and desires. That I live a life I choose at the same pace my environment is moving is more significant to me than completely abandoning all I know for grains of sand I cannot survive in.

Pop culture isn’t bad to me, it is just too impactful on my identity that I would like to create myself. And so my family and I began our own mini-garden in our balcony. We brew our herbs, use them on savory dishes, sometimes use them medicinally, and self-suffice that luxury in our lives from a few plants instead of from a store. It’s little, but it’s beautiful. It really is.

Now I know, they’re just a few green things sitting in pots in a balcony, but deep down, they are seeds to an identity shaping itself to adaptation and self satisfaction, so that it does everything everyone else does, just a little less.

Here’s a few glances at what we’ve been able to get so far. So therapeutic. So beautiful.

Ginger, Lavender


Do you remember our little talk?

The one about your peace

And tranquility

the one that put my body to repose,

Next to it a cup of warmth and serenity

Tonight I emptied a few potions,

Ginger, rosemary, thyme and lavender,

Peppermint, basil

Oh, what a wonderful little drink

Into my wonderful little body,

Warmth embracing my little stomach

Until peace is all around it

Tonight’s words are slightly superfluous

Maybe a little less packed with letters

I drank my tea and clicked off my lamp

Good night,

Maybe tomorrow will be a little better.

featured photo my own photography

I Teach At a School, I Learned:

Journal, Writing

Revelation of teaching and تربية:

that those who are younger even if they are in bigger bodies are still immature little kids.

They’re just kids.

They say hurtful things they can’t understand the consequences of their actions

They don’t understand except what they want.

They must learn with الرفق واللين whilst still be disciplined and shown the consequences to their behaviors.

It is not an easy job,

not even close.

Featured photo is my own photography

Time and Work


It seems I do not have time to title posts or take pictures or articulate words. I haven’t even been journaling with a real pen in my notebooks. Merely tapping in a few words on my iPhone’s notepad to make sure thought A or B is not forgotten. I tap in just keywords, I think even the grammar isn’t up to par — but I do it in hope I should return to it sometime, when things are more relaxed, when I’ve got more free time. That notepad of scribbles is filled to a virtual brim with thoughts and important events in need of depth and description.

But I think it’s alright to have whims of thoughts like that. Like short meetings with the wind, you feel a breeze with a significant parable or life event, swear to not forget it and perhaps promise to ruminate with a significant other one day.

So I decided it’s okay for me to post short poems, without structured stanzas, or any lucid devices, just words from stories that are important to me. I think that is most authentic to pens and reflections. To my time and work and all the mumble in between.

I only wish there was a font on WordPress as messy as my real handwriting, so you may immerse yourself in the vibe of scrambled thoughts and brooding reflections, hahaha. I am joking. But my handwriting really is awful. Maybe I’ll write a post about what that means to me one day. Something psychological.

Well then, here’s to a new set of posts coming soon.

Featured photo is my photography. Not sure why I feel it’s symbolic. Maybe because it’s vast. Like the space in my head.



Every now and then, there is another lesson that creeps its way into our lives, sometimes politely and other times with a smack in the jaw and hit in the stomach. Parables that so conspicuously and unmistakably align like poetry with an event or a moment or a feeling. A tension or an exaggeration or an elation or a dip in emotion.

Lessons not for everyone, and lucky are we, should our Lord design for us lessons to trickle their way into our consciousness. Unlucky are we when we don’t feel the hit. Unheeding we’ve become when it’s raining and we see a sandstorm. When it’s flooding and we don’t feel any more wet.

I learned about forgiveness yesterday. And sure we’ve been taught forgiveness is letting go of that weight against a thing, sure we know that it’s peaceful, sure we know you can forgive and not forget a painful experience…but I don’t think you ever really learn forgiveness until you quit feeling the pain. The pain doesn’t stop, you just focus your nerves on another section of your body, and it releases from the suffering…it flies off and stops feeding on the grinds of your teeth.

Forgiving isn’t easy, God it’s not close to being easy. Real forgiveness is possibly of the greatest ventures your heart will ever endure, should it even last through it without wanting to rewind and avenge its rightful right. Should it not desire to reverse the evil that’s been done to it. Should it decide that letting it go is the better option — and the Day of Judgment is the better court of justice.

Oh, Allah it is so difficult!

I love myself. And I love my rights. And I hate oppressors. And I hate to be oppressed. But forgiveness is better. Forgiveness for later. Releasing on purpose. Unknowing after a keen eye. Detaching after appropriate responses. Forgiveness is always better, I guess.


Let me find that spot inside my heart that hurts, clinch and pick it out on purpose. Let me choose the pain I want to feel at the time I want to feel it. Let me give the pain-giver(s) a sidelong glance and smile, because I’m going to decide that I didn’t hear that. That I didn’t feel that. It’s not bottling up anything, it’s releasing everything.

It’s allowing space in there, to love for real, to hope for real, to think with zeal.

May Allah ease for us real forgiveness. May He teach us about its inner workings that carry a soul into the highest heavens. May we stay awake during the lesson; work with it, play with it, and roll our hearts to mold into peace with worship.



Notes #1

Journal, Personal

These are collections of reflective thoughts I’ve been gathering the past few months. They aren’t posted in any significant order, they are only things I know I don’t want to forget. Remember with me.


Feeling a novel sense of gratitude for just being. Perhaps being in the moment. Thinking of how I got to this moment, then knowing I’m here today. I could have been somewhere else but today I’m here. I could have not arrived to this place at this time safely the way I did, but because of Allah’s blessings and protection I’m here. And I feel safe, calm, comfortable and ready to worship. I feel liberated, soothed and ready to worship. I feel grateful, blessed and ready to worship. I’m grateful for today and for every day passed. For the first time I don’t think I would change any of it. I’ve never felt that before. For the first time I don’t need closure or a processing or an analyzing; I am just here.

It’s nice to be here.



featured photo is my own photography©